here is distant

TalesfromSocialMedia

Hi, I'm a blogger established on write.as. Please read my wispy wanderings, which are nothing more than the journal entries of a lonely 23 year old British male. I don't take myself seriously, but hope you will. Let me tell you about my blogs.

hereisdistant.co.uk melancholic moment medoly Thematic personal words I find therapeutic to construct. Posts are usually based on an anecdote or observation and they explore what I really think / who I really am.

Sober Thoughts a collection of sober thoughts Looser, less coherent stuff without titles. There's the odd poem, rambling, response or just whatever comes to mind.

3OH!3 Fan Club Exclusively Lyrics from 3OH!3 Songs In 2007, I came across Sean Foreman (30H!3), drunk in the corner of a downtown Boulder bar. As he rambled lyrics of songs that remain unreleased, I secretly recorded him. I think they're brilliant, so every now and again I dip into them, transcribing to this blog.

#TalesFromSocialMedia Under this hashtag on hereisdistant.co.uk I write silly articles and stories that are bloody ludicrous. I would make it a separate blog, but I don't have the allowance.




For comment, feedback and hatemail: hereisdistant@gmail.com

Bus driver Chris Blast has slammed the results of the public inquiry that acquitted the local council of responsibility for the recent influx of traffic collisions on the Chesterman roundabout.

After a massive five reported smashes since the road markings changed at the start of the year, a public inquiry was called in March to attribute responsibility.

The dubious inquiry concluded that the new road markings did not cause the accidents. Supporters of the inquiry result have been heard saying it is the fault of “fucking stupid drivers that need their eyes checked”.

The bus that Chris Blast was driving on Monday collided with a motorbike. Following the accident, Blast told local media that “I question the validity of the inquiry results”.

After Blast declined to pay respects to the motorbike driver, who passed away on impact, he has been receiving constant abuse social media that has distressed Blast through the misquoting of the police report.

Blast said “the motorbike driver's family and friends have been spreading false information on twitter. One said my breathalyser reading was four times over the legal limit, when the police report clearly states I was only three and half times over”.

This incident brings into question the legitimacy of the inquiry result. The credentials of the inquiry leader has been put into major doubt in recent days following unfounded claims about the media's use hyperbole.




#TalesFromSocialMedia

No parent wants to be responsible for a child feeling excluded at school, but it's your fault your son's lunchtimes have changed since the summer holiday. Now, his social status resembles a lame glasses kid or a filthy layabout nothinghead. The ice cool crackerjacks in the playground have all been to the theme park that has everything, especially the kitchen sink! Son has been begging you to go Giant Kitchen Land. He knows what ride he’ll go on first and what he’d be too nervous to try. “We can’t afford it”, you tell him, although it breaks your heart to see him so sad. When he’s tucked up in bed, having sweet dreams of the moment of anticipation before the pop on the toaster ride, you’ll turn to your partner. “We could save up”, you say, “we could go without a few luxuries for a while. It would be worth it, to see the smile on his face”.

Whether you’re a kitchen-loving thrill seeker or just looking for somewhere to take the kids, a fun filled day out is guaranteed when you visit Giant Kitchen Land. Take everything you knew about merry-go-rounds and leave it at the door of our microwave-go-round. Spin at 700 rotations per minute in the Laundry Room, get soaked in the Dishwasher or enjoy some family fun in the Kiddie Kupboards. As if exploiting childish adrenaline wasn’t enough, this place also prides itself on delicious cuisine, just like mum’s kitchen at home! We offer a wide range of places to eat and booze, so no one in the family will be disappointed. Try a burger at the Grill or neck a quick bottle at the Wine Rack.

Your partner is clicking intently online. “What do you think?” You ask him. As you look across and wait for a response, you suddenly understand the agony Son goes through every time he begs you. Staring at his screen, your partner’s facial expression changes gradually, as if he can’t quite believe what he’s seeing. “What? What is it?” You ask him, intrigued and excited by the smile spreading across his face. Finally, the response comes:

We’re going to Giant Kitchen Land! This weekend! Tickets are excellent value for money! I knew that you got a fun-filled family experience with state of the art rides in a quirky setting, so I just assumed prices would be three times that amount! Plus, when you buy in advance online, you save 40% on the price that you’d pay on the day!”




#TalesFromSocialMedia

From the perfect start, to the finish line. You won't believe the latest bizarre craze that surprisingly works...

How much time do you WASTE mounting two socks round your morning legpegs? UniSock is the dressing blessing you didn't know you needed up your lifehole.

Simply cushion both feet inside UniSock's ONE cotton-rich space place. Once nestled inside, you can enjoy UniSock's feetures, such as anti-sweat lubricant that turns that sticky sticky movement juice into zesty forest aromas for the whole family to enjoy!

Your Little piggies will need to go straight to market to pick up this bloody loopy deal that will put them toe to toe with all their piggy friends. To be enjoyed exclusively with UniShoe.




Most of our feelings they are dead and they are gone




#TalesFromSocialMedia

I was scrolling through Facebook the other day and no matter how many times I refreshed newsfeed, it said We have nothing to show you right now. I thought this was weird because I have three hundred thousand friends.

I started to worry that I was missing out on updates from BRANDS. I worried I was missing out on targeted and bespoke content.

I tried again this morning and it still said We have nothing to show you right now. I started to shake as I thought of how acquaintances were, and if they were doing good in their lives.

Most of all I worried about not knowing about how Trump was fucking up the world. With a lack of interesting and enraging headlines it's anyone's guess as to what's going on.




#TalesFromSocialMedia

I was checking the latest Instagrams today.

Scrolling past a particularly portrait landscape, my phone started vibrating. When the image hit the top of the screen, my thumb pushed the landscape up and out the top, where it was spat out as if from a Polaroid.

The same thing happened with the next picture in my feed, as with some force my phone shot from the screen a picture of an empty stage. Before long drinks, cleavage, smiles, trees, and groups of happy celebs were emerging from my phone. The little squares of filtered cardboard were bullets from my machine thumb.

It was raining Polaroid pictures and they made a carpet all over my carpet. At one point the phone itself joined the confetti storm, leaving in my hand a deck of cards decorated with the latest Instagrams looking blurrier than usual.

My phone was lost in the sea it created, and wasn't to be seen anywhere. I called tech support but they said they only help those who lose phones on dry land.

I'll have to try and find it tomorrow because I need my phone to make replies and do other important things.




#TalesfromSocialMedia

I was checking the latest Instagrams today.

Suddenly the clouds relieved themselves of rainwater, and all the drops started covering my phone like wasps on a honey jar.

The rain was heavier than metal and soon I was elbow deep in the junk, with the latest Instagrams looking blurrier than usual.

They were leaving the screen and drifting slowly downstream.

I dried off and called tech support but they told me it was outside call centre opening hours, and to ring back next month.

I'll have to try and fix it tomorrow because I need my phone to check emails and do other important things.




#TalesfromSocialMedia

I was checking the latest Instagrams today.

Suddenly my phone went all soft and my finger went through the touchscreen and out the other side, as if I were fingering a generously filled jam doughnut.

The phone was turning to liquid and the latest Instagrams were looking blurrier than usual.

They were all over my hands and were dripping into the carpet.

I called tech support but they said they only deal with software issues.

I'll have to try and fix it tomorrow because I need my phone to send messages and do other important things.




#TalesfromSocialMedia