Parts were introduced to the heat one by one. My genitals were buoyant and my muscles blended into the water. Liquid surrounded my ears so the podcast became sounds, not words. Head tipped back, breathing holes rode the still surface of the pool until the serenity was broken by my body emerging out of water like a fish being thrown back in. My skin was rewarded by being scrubbed smooth with clean bubbles. I felt naked and happy.
It was the middle of the year and late in the day. The huge open plan office was emptying as employees were leaving to enjoy a rare English heatwave. There was still a couple of things I needed to do as I sat thinking about how I was being financially rewarded for feigning interest in attribution marketing. I had earned my seat there by saying shit like
I was drawn to the opportunity
Around me, two lads in their 20s were using their free time to talk about the future of retail. They were passionate and genuine as they bounced around ideas and opinions. We were the only ones still around, and I felt uncomfortable with nothing to add. My ears were obviously listening, despite the pretence of preoccupation on my face. I hoped they wouldn't say anything in my direction, but was also mad they didn't see me as worthy enough to join in. I felt contempt for their spark and intellect. I was frustrated I didn't belong there, nor know where I did.
Hi, I find it hard to construct narrative without writing, so I hope this will stop my thoughts from becoming as lost as it's possible to feel. I went to a counselling session a couple of years ago but I had nothing to say. I just sat there hoping the conversation would move onto a topic that wasn't my decision to be there, but it didn't. Counsellors aren't in the business of discussing the weather. After ten minutes I was walking home bemused because all I could think to say was that I was fine, when I had literally no idea whether or not it was true.