Tales from Instagram

I was checking the latest Instagrams when my phone went all soft. My finger went through the touchscreen and out the other side, as if I were fingering a generously filled jam doughnut. The phone was turning to liquid and the latest Instagrams were looking blurrier than usual. They were all over my hands and dripping into the carpet. I called tech support but they said they only deal with software issues. I'll have to try and fix it tomorrow because I need my phone to send messages and do other important things.